Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
