Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
