i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
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