you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
