Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
That was before I lit my hair on fire
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
