just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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