Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Randomize