I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Randomize
