whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
