you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
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