This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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