I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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