apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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