I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize