Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
