Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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