There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Will you blow on my dice?
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
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