i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
