we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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