My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
