Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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