I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I just found puke in my bra..
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize