I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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