I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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