The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
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