happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
