I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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