is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
