i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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