Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
