I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
