I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
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