My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
