so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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