i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
