allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
