Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Randomize
