I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I intend to get homeless drunk
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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