I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Randomize
