I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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