If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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