She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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