He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
