Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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