You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
