Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I need a beard to bite.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
