I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Randomize
