At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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