cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
