is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
