I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Randomize
