I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
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