I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Randomize
