life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize