I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize