She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
