I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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