You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
