if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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