Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
