Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
