I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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