By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
