Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
