Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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