im drinking this country out of the recession.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
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