Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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